Life at the Bottom of the Totem Pole

I really didn’t realize how bad the economy was until I started looking for a job. I’ve been looking for a job for over a year now, and I finally got my first interview – at Nordstrom. It’s really frustrating that I’m becoming so desperate in needing to apply for a retail job I could’ve acquired without my degree, but desperate times call for desperate measures. It’s just really unfair that my applications are automatically thrown out when I don’t check that box that says, “5-7 years relevant experience.” Or that I am not considered just because I have no experience using one program, even when I meet all other requirements. Or when I received my degree from the University of Utah, a more liberal University – WTF. Bull shit, bull shit, bull shit.

Once in a while, I wonder how different things would’ve been if I just accepted that job at Brownstein. If I just took that stupid Republican job. It also wasn’t research-oriented. It was more administrative and I would’ve been managing a Republican PAC (Ew). But I would’ve been getting paid more. A LOT more. I would be living in one of the most beautiful cities I’ve ever come to know.

But when I ponder it a little longer, I realize that this wasn’t the only decision I’ll ever second-guess. I’m going to make a lot of decisions in my life where I will wonder how different things would’ve been if I had taken the alternative choice. But I will NEVER know exactly how happy I would’ve been even if I made a different choice. But with this specific situation, things didn’t turn out to be terrible. Yes, this is probably the biggest challenge I’ve ever been faced with in my entire life. I’m lucky enough that I’ve never really had to struggle. I have always worked hard, but my situation has never been really difficult. It’s been hard for me to accept that I probably won’t be able to start a career in the field I am passionate about yet. Since I’m picking up a second job, I probably will have to keep studying for the LSAT for an extended period of time, and law school will probably be pushed back. Branden is struggling in his most difficult math classes because he doesn’t have a lot of time to study outside of school, work and the gym, so law school will definitely be pushed back. MY GOALS are all being pushed back, and it’s all out of my control. No matter how many jobs I apply for, I won’t get a damn interview, due to my sorry lack of experience.

I think the biggest issue is money. It makes me sick when I realize that money controls everything. I mean, EVERYTHING. From corporations investing thousands of dollars a year into lobbying, or market research, to rich people and big companies donating thousands of dollars to political campaigns – And even on the individual level, like me, where I have neglected the campaign at this critical point in the election because I make more money at Cicero. And where I have been depressed over the last ten months because I am completely broke and can’t find a job. I was working almost 60 hours a week for $500 checks, my car barely runs and I can’t even afford a haircut.

I just don’t feel like myself. I can’t wait until I don’t feel like this anymore. 😦


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