Everything will be okay.

My life is quite a mess right now.  I can’t help but blame myself, and feel that the challenges I’m currently facing are self-inflicted, regardless of how long ago the poor choices were made.  I’m struggling to stay focused at work, as mid-year reviews are coming up and I’m trying my best to prove I deserve a pretty hefty raise.  Though Branden and I broke up about six weeks ago, I’m still having a difficult time trying to figure out what to do next, having no idea losing him would impact me this much.  And my recent predicament with the law tops the freaking cake.

  • I’m stressed because my future is a priority to me.  I know this is a stepping stone toward my true passion, but working my ass off in a field other than what I truly desire is hard.  Really hard.
  • I’m hurt because I truly was in love.  It’s not that I didn’t realize how lucky I was until everything was taken away from me – It’s just that giving up was never an option, I thought he felt the same, and I never expected him to betray me.
  • I’m feeling guilty because I know I’m not irresponsible or careless.  It was a mistake driven by how overwhelmed and damaged I am internally.

I wonder if I will ever look back at this point in my life and feel thankful I ever experienced all these problems.  It’s comforting to believe “things happen for a reason,” but ultimately I can’t resist thinking that I am where I am now because of what I’ve done in the past.  But, I know there is no point in sulking about it – The only thing I can do is move forward with a positive attitude in order to mitigate any additional damage and facilitate the best possible outcomes for myself and for those who care about me.  I’m definitely being tested right now, but I know I have a lot to be thankful for.

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