Category Archives: Humor

7 Stages of Grief as a Grad Student

  1. Shock & Denial: “This prof is such an unreasonable prick for assigning a 30-page group paper and 20-minute group presentation.  Oh well, it probably won’t be too hard.” (7 weeks before due date)
  2. Pain & Guilt: “I should probably start thinking about that assignment soon.” (5 weeks before due date)
  3. Anger & Bargaining: “Fuck this classist education system – I shouldn’t have to get a Master’s to prove I am capable!  If I work on this shit for one hour a day for the next week, I can still finish it early…” (2 weeks before due date)
  4. Depression: “I hate group projects!  My employer is a clear example that executives don’t collaborate in real life.  Why did I even decide to get an MBA?  How the fuck did I get accepted into the program?  I’m such a stupid, stupid bitch.  I should have bought a Birkin instead.” (1 week before due date)
  5. The Upward Turn [Up]: “OMG, I selected a topic and wrote the title page!  I deserve a fun weekend. TURN UP.” (3 days before due date)
  6. Reconstruction & Working Through: “I am almost finished and it’s only 11:20 pm!  Most of my friends aren’t even done yet, so I’m in good shape.” (Night before due date)

6b. “I just want to cry myself to sleep.  Why did I waste so much time writing a blog post that wasn’t even that funny or original?  Maybe I should ask for an extension.  Maybe I can call in sick tomorrow to work on this.” (4am, 30 mg of adderall and 4 cups of coffee later)

7. Acceptance & Hope: “Meh, that wasn’t my best work, but at least I’ll pass.  Nobody cares about GPA anyways.  & at least BAE loves me and has revenue potential to support my dumb ass.”  (3 hours before submissions are closed)

8 more weeks until I graduate and get promoted to SVP of Analytics!… Right?

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Letter to the Utah DABC

To Whom it May Concern,

I am writing as a concerned citizen to shed light on the unreasonably strict alcohol regulations here in the State of Utah, particularly with regard to Title 32B of the Utah Code (AKA “The Beverage Control Act”) relating to the “prohibition of discounting practices.”  While I understand that the intent behind said law is to “discourage the over-consumption of alcohol,” I worry that there may in fact be serious, unintended consequences associated with it.  Utah is compromising many opportunities and potential benefits by reinforcing a policy that provides little returns.  I’m afraid that the Utah Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control may not be doing the job we, as taxpayers, expect it to do, as there is little rhyme and reason attached to its policies.

Following are 16 reasons why I believe “Happy Hour” should be legalized in the State of Utah:

1.     Because drinking is a central activity of business culture that is great for socializing, networking, or even selling.  Inviting others out to HH sounds classier and more professional than hitting up any old bar at any old time for any old reason with any old people.

2.     Because happy hour specials would keep working people and young professionals downtown where they can spend their money and grow the economy.

3.     Many argue that lifting the ban on happy hour would threaten restaurants and bars as people would likely look to casinos for free drinks.  We have no gambling establishments in Utah, so that issue does not apply here.  In fact, restaurant and bar owners have been fighting the Utah DABC for years for the ability to advertise discounted drinks, as well as the number of available licenses in the state… But we won’t get into that.

4.     Because discounted drinks from 5-7 would give people enough time to sober up before getting home safely at a decent time.

5.     I thought Utah Republicans are all about “hands-off” and “laissez-faire” policy?  Who the hell are you to regulate how much I spend on what I eat or drink?  I know 60% of the state’s population and 80% of the State Legislature belong to the Mormon Church, but if the other 40% of the population and 20% of elected officials want to party, just let us party!  Opponents to drinking don’t have to come –  In fact, they’re not even invited.

6.     Because the Red Door gets expensive.

7.     Because it’s embarrassing when visitors from out-of-state ask where they can grab the best Happy Hour, and we respond with, “Wherever you’re from.”

8.     Because the cash I have left until my next pay period will only buy me one more tank of gas + a $5 drink.  45-minute commute FTL.

9.     15-hour workday.  That’s why.

10.  Because I want to forget about how unproductive I was during my 15-hour workday because I was writing this letter.

11.  Because I need to dilute the overabundance of Red Bull currently in my system with vodka.

12.  Because the additional disposable income I have in my pocket that is saved from buying discounted rather than full-priced drinks could be donated to charity.

13.  Because hipsters want to drink too, but they can’t afford full-priced drinks.  So they end up screwing over their one employed friend to pay for all their drinks.  It’s just not fair.

14.  Because I want to look cool by ordering a drink with my dinner but I don’t want to spend more than $3 on a stupid cosmo my boyfriend can make himself.

15.  Because it’s snowing.

16.  Because it’s Tuesday.

I am speaking on behalf of the portion of the citizens of this state who rock when I say something needs to be done.  As you can see, Utah is missing many opportunities by continuing its ban on discounted drinks, and there are many in support of lifting the ban, including restaurant/bar owners and everyday citizens alike.  We hope you will carefully reevaluate and reconsider this piece of Title 32B, if not the whole damn thing, before we move to another state where we will bring our talent and our money and consume all the $2 cucumber martinis we want.

Sincerely,
Kathleen Villanueva, et al.

P.S.  I promise I’m not an alcoholic – I quit drinking three months ago.  😉

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How I’m Going to Afford the Trip to North Carolina –

I honestly didn’t think I was going to win the national delegate spot. Of course I wanted to win more than anything, otherwise I wouldn’t have sought advice and put effort into my ‘campaign,’ but I didn’t think a youngin’ that nobody knows could win national delegate. So now I’m stuck with trying to figure out how to pay for the trip with my limited income – No, I’m not going to give any specifics on how much I make, because it really is that sad. Really.

My trip to the Democratic National Convention in September is going to cost around $2,000. I’m about to book my flight, which is going to cost me about $600 on U.S. Airways. The designated lodging for us delegates at the Embassy Suites will be around $200/night, so at a minimum, I’ll be paying $800 for my hotel. Luckily, transportation between the hotel and the convention activities will be provided, but if I want to explore the city, I’m going to have to pay for a light rail tickets or taxis. And if I wasn’t such a brat, I could probably live off Ramen the entire trip and spend less than $100 on both food and transportation, but let’s be real – When am I ever going to the DNC again? I may as well enjoy the opportunity at its fullest! So I’m going to aim for $600 in food/recreational/shopping/etc. AKA Diva Costs.

To prepare for this financially, I’ve come up with the following list of ways I can cut costs to afford this trip. It’s going to take a lot of sacrifice and self-discipline over the next four months, but it’ll definitely be worth it!

1. Instead of drinking Grey Goose at the end of my long work days, I’m going to start drinking Skyy and Absolut – downgrading to top shelf to middle shelf. In turn, I’m going to have to ask my boyfriend if it is okay for me to let boys buy me drinks at the bar so I won’t have to spend any money. Efficiency.

2. Although I’ve already been bringing a sack lunch from home to save money, there have been times when I’ll forget or I won’t have time, so I’ll end up buying a $1 side salad from McDonalds’ Dollar Menu. This is an UNNECESSARY EXPENSE. If I forget my lunch, I guess I’m not eating lunch – I want to lose weight anyways, right?

3. Rather than going out and spending money on the weekends, I’m going to stay in and take on the hobby of sweepstaking, and apply for as many as I can possibly find online – the ones where no purchase is necessary, of course. Who knows, I might win, and this trip will be paid for!

4. My birthday is in July. I’m going to hope my family doesn’t disappoint me, and gives me a big ‘ol stack of money – I’ll count on using this to go toward my trip, and any other gifts I receive will be regifted to my friends whose birthdays follow mine. It’s called, being practical.

5. When I’m invited to grab lunch or dinner with people, right after we’ve finished our meal, I’m going to say, “OH hell’s bells. I forgot my debit card – AGAIN! I’ll get you next time?” And by next time, I mean after the convention. That’s what friends are for!

6. Speaking of ways my friends can help me save money, I’m going to have to get around somehow, right? Being familiar with all their schedules, I’m going to bum rides off of my friends as much as possible and cross my fingers that they don’t ask for gas money.

7. If I absolutely need to buy new clothes, I’m going to make sure it’s on clearance. But really, the price won’t matter anyways, because I plan to return it promptly the day after I wear it.

8. I plan to replace my POS shattered-screened phone soon. It’s going to be tough, but it’s something I gotta do: I’m going to have to buy an older-generation phone that hasn’t come out in 2012. Woe is me!

9. Additionally, I’m not going to talk to anyone who doesn’t have T-Mobile until after 9pm or on weekends. If it’s important, you better text me!

10. I can’t afford to pay $13.99 a month for my membership to Lady Fitness anymore – I’m going to sign up for free week-long passes to various gyms every week until September.

I hope you know I’m kidding. I do plan to cut back on a lot of spending, but not to these extremes or on stupid things hahaha. I really should adopt a more frugal lifestyle anyways – it’s not cheap, it’s smart! But if I keep up the rate I’ve been saving, I should be able to afford the trip with no problems at all! Gosh, I can’t wait!

Also, I hope you’re as excited about the new layout of my blog as I am! AHH, I’m so glad I finally got to re-edit it.

Texas Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking.”

“Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

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“And Sometimes Life Just isn’t Easy for Any of Us.”

In an article I found in the New Yorker, Ann Romney is describing her hardships as a stay-at-home mom, and is praising those moms who still go to work even when they have children to take care of. I’m sure she has good intentions when she says, “… Sometimes life just isn’t easy for any of us.” Everybody has problems, and even at 21 years old, I feel like I already know a little bit about taking on challenges – But of course, I think hardship is relative. Everyone has their own perception of what constitutes life obstacles, including Ann Romney:

Now that Ann is using the details of her domestic life for political  purposes, journalists and Obama supporters are sure to focus on parts of that  existence that might reflect less well on her and her husband. For example, she  has said that when Mitt was in college, the two of them were so financially  strapped that they had to liquidate some of their stock portfolio to get by. At  the time Mrs. Romney said that she was engaged in a “struggle” to bring up her  children, the family was living in a seven bedroom, six-and-a-half-bathroom  mock-Colonial mansion in Belmont, Massachusetts, while spending summers at  their five-thousand-square-foot vacation home, which sits on eleven lakefront  acres in New Hampshire.

I love this woman – and think the Democrats should just remain goldenly silent.   People so financially strapped in college that they had to liquidate some of  their stock portfolio to get by say enough without Obama supporters having to  say a thing.

Like I said, hardships and life obstacles are relative, I guess.

On another note, I’m really trying to read news from both sides because I think our views are shaped by our relative perceptions of hardship, failure and success. I’m trying to understand why my friends and other students my age are Republicans – I’ve had conversations with them, and I’m still trying to understand how anyone could support a presidential who would’ve let the financial sector collapse, or who would’ve let Detroit go bankrupt. I’m trying to understand why they believe we needed to stay in the war even after Osama Bin Laden was killed. I’m trying to understand why they are so afraid of being “Socialist,” when these so-called “Socialist” ideals work so beautifully in Europe – socialized medicine is actually less costly and brings about better results, and taxes in Europe are actually a lot higher compared to the U.S. but people don’t mind the redistribution of income. I’m trying to understand why they think it’s imperative to take back federal lands as well as withdraw from the United Nations?… But I just really can’t make that connection. I know it’s an election year, so Obama’s campaign has got me all hypnotized in thinking he’s saving the world, but the hard-right platform really doesn’t appeal to me at all. I wish I could just have all the issues laid out in front of me and explained in a way that makes sense by both sides.

I’ll admit there are times I feel like I should be a Republican because I grew up in Utah where the state is tainted red, but maybe now there’s just no doubt about it – I really am a Democrat. Regardless, we’re all AMERICANS, and we won’t be able to move forward until we can all get together and compromise to reach bipartisan solutions to tough issues. Even though I don’t agree with hardly anything the Right feels is important, I think it’s still important to have a balance between the two parties in government so solutions will be based more on the right way to approach problem rather than what the party believes is the right way.

Wow, this blog evolved from one thing to another. Thanks, Ann Romney for the inspiration. Haha