I think I just realized why “women go for assholes.” This post is long, and starts off really weird at first, especially where I start talking about how awesome I am, but I think it’s worth the read.
Being 22 years old, I realize I’m not a relationship expert or anything. But in my experience, I’ve been lucky to have dated some really great guys who treated me well and were nothing but good boyfriends to me. Yet, it never worked out, usually due to me losing interest. We’d stay friends because we didn’t end on bad terms, but most of the relationships I’ve been in ended this way.
I’m not at all implying that these great guys are doing anything wrong – But I think it might just be part of a system-level dynamic that they’ll eventually become more of an “asshole” over time as they realize that they need to start standing up for themselves rather than waiting on every aspect of their girlfriends’ lives since they keep getting left behind.
There were only two relationships that took me months to get over, and in those two instances my heart was broken. But I recall thinking, “Why am I so upset? All he ever did was make me cry when we were together. We never got along. All we did was argue. He treated me like shit.”
But I’m starting to realize that these guys weren’t intentionally trying to make me upset all the time or fight with me. They cared about me, but they were looking out for themselves too. And I’m starting to realize how important it is to have this quality in a boyfriend.
I think I’m a pretty good catch. Not to toot my own horn anything, but I think I have a fun personality, I’m multi-talented, I have a fun family. I’m pretty smart and I’ve accomplished quite a bit at my young age. And while I don’t think I’m beautiful like Lilly Ghalichi, I’m okay-looking in my own way.
Having these characteristics gave me a relatively easy life. I was charismatic without even trying, as long as people knew my background and who I was. It was always easy for me to make friends and meet new people because I’m a likeable person. I never had to worry about any drama (or even if there was any drama, it didn’t phase me at all), and I have never been single for more than 3 months since I was 15. And no matter how hard I try to put on a front that I’m “independent,” and I handle everything on my own, I know it’s not true. I’ve always had a great support system – my family, friends, AND boyfriend – to help me through every challenge I’ve ever encountered.
Because of these aspects of myself, it was pointed out to me that I was spoiled. I don’t like being uncomfortable, and it’s easier for me just to run away from my problems. I don’t like dealing with confrontations, and I have a hard time facing stressful situations because I’ve never really needed to in the past. I’ve always had people to take care of me, or I’ve always had the option to run away. This is why when I got back from DC last year without a job, I could hardly handle the stress. I’m just so used to getting everything I want, and when things don’t go my way, I fall apart.
I was never with a guy because I wanted to make him happy – I only ever dated a guy because he made ME happy.
That’s not a real relationship. Even though I’ve had probably a dozen boyfriends now, I don’t think I ever had a real, genuine relationship, because I have never done my part. All along, I thought I was an amazing girlfriend, but I’m realizing now that I have only ever thought about myself. I haven’t been fair – it needs to be about the other person too.
But sadly, I have to say that I’m probably not the only girl out there who is like this. This is why girls are attracted to assholes. We leave the guys who treat us right, but we cry over the guys who break our hearts, not realizing that we don’t want a guy who will let us walk all over him and give us everything we want. Rather, we want someone who will stand up for himself and put us in our place when need be, whether we realize it or not. The guys who actually communicate when something isn’t right are the ones we label as “assholes.” When they’re just trying to tell us something important because they care about us, we think they’re constantly starting pointless arguments and we don’t understand that they’re actually doing what they’re supposed to do.
We’ve been spoiled. We have all had experience with the wonderful type of guy who sends us flowers every week just because, who texts back immediately and who answers on the first ring, who apologizes to end a fight that wasn’t even his fault, the guy who can’t stand to make us cry and who will do anything to make it stop – But don’t you wonder why it didn’t work out? These aren’t the types of guys who help us improve ourselves. I partied and interacted with others like a single girl my whole life until those two guys told me I needed to get my act together. I freaked out, thinking they were crazy, I just wanted to have fun, they’re unreasonable all the time, and they didn’t trust that I knew my limits. When in reality, I really needed to be told things I didn’t want to hear. I can’t just be spoon-fed for the rest of my life – I need to be told when I’m not treating others right, when I’m being selfish, when I’m not seeing the bigger picture. These are probably things I should be able to realize on my own, but I’m one of those girls who hardly ever needed to think about others because people were happy just keeping me happy.
Some girls aren’t like me. Some girls were able to find love at a young age and marry their high school sweetheart. Different people have varying levels of compatibility. But I’m sure there’s a lot of girls out there who are in the same boat as I am. Rather than getting upset when he doesn’t agree with you, just listen and keep talking until you both completely understand each other. Don’t run away or go to sleep before the argument is resolved. This is probably the biggest mistake I ever made in the relationship that meant the most to me. I was never willing to face him in arguments because I hated being wrong, I hated not having my way, I hated that he didn’t understand where I was coming from. Yet I actually didn’t understand that he hated fighting with me. He hated seeing me cry. But he really cared about me, and that’s why he was raising his concerns. If he didn’t care, he wouldn’t say anything, and could care less whether or not our relationship or I as a person improved.
As soon as I realized this, it all made sense. It’s like a switch of clarity in my brain was flipped and I completely understood the source of all the turmoil in our relationship. I understood why I was so upset and torn when I haven’t experienced a painful heartbreak in years prior, thinking I was already desensitized to breakups and that I could move on without worry. I get it now. Moving forward, I know what I need to do to fulfill my role as a girlfriend.
And now I understand why I loved Branden so much and always will – He genuinely cared about me, even though I didn’t understand the extent to which he did until now. It turns out that the guy I thought was the most illogical, irrational person alive was indeed actually the most reasonable person I’ve ever met – he just really sucked at communicating it to me.
It took a lot for me to open up like this, and admit everything I now realize I was doing wrong. I hope my mistake is relatable and I hope I can help others improve communication in their relationships too by sharing this story.